beyond missing.

I had always been the kind of person who easily attached to people. There are plenty of such terms that exist to define people like me, ranging from over-emotionality or self-esteem issues, or in some cases: “possible childhood trauma”. Though I will not go into the psychology of how it unfolds, because neither do I have the expertise to decode it nor do I want to make it sound technical. I just want to look at it with some curiosity, as a layman would do without having any preexisting judgments and opinions in mind. So, let's dive into it. I often ask myself this question:why do I feel emotions heavily? The answer often remained constant- I don't know. When I found I couldn't understand this pattern on my own, I discussed this with people I know. I explained to them what I feel. In return, I received many answers. Some of them read, I am making things difficult with excessive overthinking, others suggest, I must work on my emotional intelligence, and quite a few said, I am not willing to change. However, they were not entirely wrong. I possessed elements of toxicity when it came to dealing with my emotions. But the story doesn't end here.

What actions worked for me?

I wouldn't call them actions rather understanding and experiences that shaped my perception about people in general and me in particular. I realised my emotions arise from a source outside of my existence that I could barely control or change. I labelled my happiness and contentment around these people, so that if they walked away, I would be miserable. There is nobody to blame but me. Hero worshiping and people-pleasing tendencies kept me in a delusion. It took me years to realise, nobody wants to leave people they once loved enough. It was never the people who held me responsible but me for keeping unnecessary expectations. I also realised the weight of my emotions, making it difficult for these people to survive with me. I believe sometimes you don't need to do anything to keep people away from you, as they can sense there is something wrong with you.

My learnings

Sometimes, two of the best people cannot make it happen despite all their efforts.

Where do people go when they leave us?

The people who left us aren't always monsters. Maybe they are too good to be with us. And every good thing deserves better. This is not a closure. Not a way to make us feel better. This is the truth we need to accept. We don't always choose people; most of the time, they choose us. People who left us remain on this planet. They move forward with their lives with little or no memory of ours. They become free birds we can no longer cage.

There is no guarantee people will provide you with the same kind of love, affection, and nurture. Each of us is different when it comes to showing our love.

Some things can't be fixed. A part of you will never fully heal yet a part of you will become strong enough to travel back to those memory lanes and come back.

Each of us misses people, but ask yourself what lies beyond missing? Perhaps a truth to accept- things have changed too much to make the same again.

What have I become now?

I no longer get attach to people no matter how better they looks in their respective domains. Neither do I feel the necessity to reach out to them in the first place. I am quite prepared to accept my fate if they left by tomorrow. My heart doesn't race with the same intensity. I don't care that much. My empathy has suffered to some degree. There isn't much excitement in talking to people. It is as simple as that.